After committing to a regular routine at the gym and getting mindful about my fitness, I decided to take a look at my eating habits.
I've always envied the people who can eat whatever they want and not suffer the consequences. Because if I ate whatever I wanted (mainly salty, fatty, and sugary foods), I would have awful skin, weigh a ton, and feel sluggish all the time. I also wouldn't be getting the proper nutrients for organ function, digestion, etc.
Over the course of my life, starting at the ripe young age of 5, I've had issues with food. I began to obsess about my body weight while I was learning how to color inside the lines. This was partly due to what was portrayed in the media, partly because of my involvement in dance and gymnastics, and partly thanks to the mean kids on the playground.
My mom very smartly took me to a nutritionist when I was in kindergarten. I went weekly for a few months and learned why humans must eat to stay alive and how food fuels the body. I firmly believe that this is the reason I didn't develop an eating disorder as a young child.
Starting then, I tried my best to fuel my body healthfully and make smart decisions while also accepting my body for the wonderful vessel it is.
And yet...
I still longed to be slim like a ballerina, tall like a supermodel, and have all the right curves like my favorite celebrities.
I've tried many many diets over the years: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, Atkins, juicing, the cabbage soup diet, and so many others. But diets never really work for me -- I'm never able to totally keep off the weight I lose. The rules make me want to be a straight A student but there's no end goal to a diet. When I reach my goal weight I don't graduate but I do stop following the diet that got me there.
I also become obsessive while on a diet. Counting grapes. Brushing my teeth after eating a cracker. Trying to figure out the calories in 1/4 of a York Peppermint Patty. Feeling overwhelming shame for eating 3 Starburst candies. And, I'm not proud to say it, binge eating my angry/sad/guilty feelings when I "mess up" the diet. These are not healthy habits.
I knew that if I wanted to be mindful, I had to think about my mind. And diets are not good for my head. After all, weight is just a number on the scale and while it's a measure of health, it's just one of many.
So I sat down with a nutritionist. She gave me a few guidelines. No diet. No strictness. No calorie counting. No goal weight. The only goal was to make healthier choices.
My first visit included an overall health assessment and an assignment before my next visit: document everything I eat, and at what time I eat it. I was encouraged to eat fiber and protein at every meal, stay away from carb only snacks, and steer clear of too much sugar.
When I went back for my first follow up, I had lost a few pounds but more importantly, I realized that my skin was clearer, I felt less bloated, and I didn't crave tons of sugar. I also didn't feel a ton of pressure to reach my goal weight because there was no number to reach. My goal was already being attained by being more mindful of my food.
We added a few more guidelines like aim to fast for 10-12 hours each day overnight to give my digestive system a rest. And, in order to keep myself from derailing down a shame spiral of binge eating, to never "give up" for the day if I eat an unhealthy snack. Her words were: enjoy the hell out of that snack and move on.
The most helpful thing I learned from my nutritionist: food is just food. There's no good food or bad food. But the choices I make can be good or bad. For example are cookies bad? No. I can eat one or two and it's totally fine. But if I ate 20 in 1 sitting, that's not a good choice. But if I do happen to rip through a sleeve of thin mints, I'll enjoy the hell out of them and then eat mostly veggies the rest of the day.
I'm not perfect. But now I'm mindful of what I eat. After all...
