The C Word

My mom was having trouble eating all summer but she blamed it on acid reflux. When that didn't go away in the fall she saw her primary care doctor who did some blood work and referred her to a specialist. She has stomach ulcers and was convinced that was the problem. She saw a gastroenterologist. They took an ultrasound and an x-ray of her chest cavity and discovered nodules on her lungs that looked concerning. She saw a pulmonologist and a CT scan confirmed that her lungs needed a further look. But the pain from her stomach was getting worse so it was back to the gastroenterologist for an endoscopy. They found a large mass in my mom's stomach, a mass on her esophagus, and a nodule on her liver. A biopsy was taken. She went to a cardio thorasic surgeon for more tests. A PT scan revealed more nodules on more organs. We waited for the pathology results knowing that it was the "c" word. 

In October, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Diffuse Large B-cell non-Hodgkins lymphoma. By that point, she'd lost about 50 pounds and was getting weaker. Her team of doctors decided to take swift action.

A week after her diagnosis, my mom was admitted to the hospital. A chemo port was implanted in her chest. She received her first round of chemo (which she reacted to well!) followed by her first round of immunotherapy (which she did not react well to). 

When she returned home from the hospital, life returned to normal-ish for my mom. She was on tons of medications and was more tired than normal. She had her second round of chemo and developed mouth sores and a scratchy throat. The immunotherapy gave her severe nausea. She was even more tired than she was before. She has 5 more rounds of chemo and immunotherapy spaced 3 weeks apart before her team of doctors put her body through a long list of tests to determine what happens next.

I can't begin to describe the inner turmoil I have under my sunny smile in work meetings or the ache in my gut as my voice cracks while I'm cheerfully cooing at Claire. I'm so incredibly angry. Who am I even angry with? I wish I knew. My inner anguish has started to spill over to my physical body - I threw my back out for the first time ever, every week or so I'll have an episode of uncontrolled vomiting that comes seemingly out of nowhere, and a racing heart is just something I've come to live with. In an effort to fix what I can, I've pumped up my exercise routine and gotten back to a regular meditation practice. 

The unknown rocky road that lies ahead is terrifying and with COVID adding another layer of difficulty to the mix, I'm especially scared. My goal right now is to make all of my mom's time precious - lots of video chats with the baby and visits whenever we are able (socially distant and masked).

It's going to be a long winter.

Work Work Work Work Work

This fall has been full of work for me and Alex.

Going back to work after maternity leave was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The fact that I am working from home for the foreseeable future was extremely helpful in the transition. Before the pandemic swept the world, I had been gearing up for a nice promotion working on a capital campaign. With the economy up in the air and NYC in a tailspin, my future at the Museum will remain status quo until further notice. I'm still gunning for more responsibility but I'm uncertain about how I can continue to grow. Luckily, I still have my job, for which I am very grateful. I've got time on my side to think about my next steps and what the future holds.

During the pandemic, Alex was fortunate enough to have been promoted to counsel at his firm. His dreams of becoming partner are still alive. But for now, he's happy to have more responsibility, a nice new title, and a salary bump. His hours are long (as they always have been) but he's more senior than he was before and it shows in the way he's treated and the hours he keeps.

In addition to actual work, it's been work being landlords to our tenants living in our Upper West Side apartment. When the real estate market tanked in NYC, Alex pulled his apartment off the market and listed it as a rental. Lucky for us, we had some takers! Even luckier, their rent covers some of the principal of the mortgage. Although it's very fortunate to have renters when the state of rentals in this city is grim, it's also a lot of work making sure the apartment is in tip top shape.

During my maternity leave, I stepped up to the role of President of Spark Movement Collective. I had served as Vice President for a little over 2 years and it was now my time to take the reins. It's rewarding, exciting, and really fulfilling. It's also a lot of extra work on my plate. While I know my time as President is fleeting (I'll likely serve 2 or 3 one-year terms before I pass the baton), I'm thrilled to be entrusted with the responsibility.

Being a parent to an infant is also a ton of work! The life of an infant changes so quickly. Claire started babbling in her third month and trying desperately to talk. She sleeps through the night (11-12 hours!!) and the transition from her bassinet to her crib was completely uneventful (surprisingly!). Claire loves to roll over from her belly to her back and from her back to her belly. She's constantly smiling and puts everything in her mouth. It's awe inspiring to watch her grow and learn. 

Baby You Can Drive My Car

The second half of my maternity leave was far less challenging than the first. Claire began smiling socially (be still my heart!) and was more of an overall joy as she began waking up to the world. 

In an exciting lifestyle update, we bought a car. It's the first car I've owned in my life. The car I drove in high school and college was technically my dad's car. I'd saved up for a car working summer jobs and he ended up giving me his and upgrading to a new car. I loved that black 1995 Nissan Maxima with gray cloth interior and a v6 engine. I even upgraded the speaker system when I'd saved up enough my senior year of high school. Of course, after college when I left home and moved to NYC, I also left my beloved car behind. That was in 2008. 12 years ago! Our 2020 gray Subaru Forester with black leather interior feels like a real family car. We pay a ridiculous amount to park it in our building's garage, although, it's not nearly as ridiculous as the normal price to park it there given the exodus out of Manhattan during the coronavirus pandemic. It feels good to have some freedom! Our little lady sleeps in the car and loves to go on adventures with us. 

And speaking of sleep, Claire still sleeps in our room in a cute bassinet. She sleeps in 7-10 hour stretches at night and in 1-2 hour stretches during daytime naps. It's made for such an improved quality of life!

She has about 4 ounces of formula every 2-4 hours and doesn't spit up very much anymore. She also has become a pro at burping and holding her head up.

In a very surprising early discovery, she absolutely adores tummy time. She even cries for it. She can roll from her belly to her back on her left and right sides (she's been rolling over since 2 months but is much more self-assured at 3 months). She can hold herself up on her forearms and turn her head confidently.

The day Claire started daycare nearly broke my heart. But then I met her lead caregivers and felt worlds better. Claire has been thriving there - she smiles so big when she sees her caregivers. They are taking serious precautions around COVID-19 and their facility is cleaner than our house ever will be. A huge bonus of the exodus from NYC is that for the first 2 weeks of daycare, Claire was the only kid in her room with 3 caregivers watching over her. AND there are only 2 other kids signed up to be in her room when they start attending. AND both of those kids are over 6 months old so Claire will be kept separate with her own caregiver until she hits the 6 month mark (NYC daycare laws, who knew?). Overall, I felt like we were getting the benefits of a nanny in a decked out safe facility for the price of daycare, which in NYC, is pretty darn sweet!