Hibernation for the Winter

 Despite keeping cheery appearances, things have been hard. Winter feels long. We have barely gone anywhere aside from the Upper East Side. It feels very fortunate and at the same time stifling. We barely leave our apartment aside from quick errands and daily walks around the neighborhood circling the same blocks. I'm incredibly grateful for all that we have but that doesn't stop things from feeling a bit stale.

Alex and I haven't had a night off from our sweet little baby since she was born. We were both getting a little bit weary, so we began designating Saturday night as date night at the start of the year. We order in and make an extra effort to plan out something fun - a movie, game night, special cocktail, etc. - all within the safety and comfort of our apartment after Claire goes to sleep. It's a fun thing to look forward to, especially on grey winter days.

My mom is almost done with her treatments. Her hair might be gone but her fight is still fully there. She's tired most of the time, nauseous and dizzy a lot of the time, in pain some of the time, and fighting cancer all of the time. I'm learning so much about all of the side effects of cancer and chemo that I had no idea about like the mouth sores and the itchy skin. There are so many tests, tons of blood work, appointments with a plethora of doctors. It's overwhelming and emotionally draining to even think about. We're keeping a positive attitude and hoping that this first round of treatment is also her last!

Claire is growing and learning. I take solace in the fact that she has no other reality than the one she was born into - with face masks and no family other than my mom on a screen. We've had a few tough weeks here and there - Claire getting an ear infection, one of her teachers testing positive for COVID causing her daycare room to close. But overall, Claire is a happy, silly, eager-to-please little bundle of energy. I love her more than I can convey.

With the weather finally warming, the snow finally melting. It feels like we're reentering the world with new, more appreciative eyes. Rates of the virus are going down. Vaccinations should be more readily available soon. Things are looking brighter ahead.

Keeping Spirits Bright

Every single holiday was turned on its head this year. The pandemic was still in full force - working from home, lots of restrictions, mask wearing, social distancing...time begins to lose its meaning as days all look the same. So this year, with all the turmoil going on in the world, it was especially important to keep the spirits bright. 

I've never been a huge Halloween person. In the past I would watch a few scary movies and call it a day. But with a little baby in the house, it was basically mandatory we participate this year. We dressed Claire up like a pineapple and decided to make the holiday as fun for her as we could. She had a Zoom Halloween party in her daycare room and we took her to a drive-thru spooktacular. While I doubt she knew what was going on, she looked adorable and her smiley face was enough to brighten the spirits. 

Typically, Alex and I alternate spending Thanksgiving with his family or my mom's best friend's family out east on Long Island. Obviously that didn't happen this year for many reasons. My mom's best friend Suzanne passed away this past May suddenly (I'm still processing the grief of this loss as we've not been able to gather together to properly mourn. Plus the pandemic prevents us from being inside for any period of time without a mask on. So that meant Thanksgiving would be just me, Alex, and Claire. I used to take part in cooking the entire meal and in recent years I have baked pies for dessert. This year, I did zero cooking or baking for the first time in my life. Instead we spent Thanksgiving watching a ton of TV - the parade followed by the dog show, ate a delicious meal catered by Beach Point, and took a nice long walk around the Upper East Side. Claire tried turkey for the first time and was unimpressed but all around the day was relaxing and I was especially grateful to have my family together and healthy.

This Hanukkah was by far the most exciting one of our lives this year - our first with Claire! We lit the candles, said the prayers, and watched the menorah. We have 2 menorah's - one that's particularly meaningful to me because it was my father's and another gifted to us by the rabbi who officiated our wedding (she's also Alex's cousin!). We alternated lighting each of them this year and it was a very lovely way to honor traditions past and future. I enjoyed showering Claire with presents - winter gear, board books, toys, clothes. She was mesmerized by the candles and truly watched them until they burned out completely each night. We even managed to light the candles for 6 out of the 8 nights which, with an infant in the house, I take as a huge win. It was an overall joy.

We're not Christian but we definitely have a tradition around Christmas! Christmas Eve is usually spent at my mom's house with a delicious seafood dinner followed by a gift exchange. With COVID still in full swing, and since my mom has cancer, and with an infant, we were very hesitant to spend a significant amount of time indoors with the whole family. Instead, my brother played the role of Santa dropping off gifts at our home and picking up gifts to bring back to Long Island.  

In recent past, Alex and I have rung in the New Year while on vacation but this year, we obviously were not traveling. Instead, we drank some champagne cocktails, watched Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve, and hung out in the living room with our baby asleep in her bedroom. We made it to 10:30PM which was an A+ in my book!

As we begin 2021, I am not setting any New Years Resolutions. I've been big on them in the past, setting ambitious goals or fun projects to work on. But this year, I just aim to be flexible. And to bend and sway with the changing winds that keep getting blown our way. 

The C Word

My mom was having trouble eating all summer but she blamed it on acid reflux. When that didn't go away in the fall she saw her primary care doctor who did some blood work and referred her to a specialist. She has stomach ulcers and was convinced that was the problem. She saw a gastroenterologist. They took an ultrasound and an x-ray of her chest cavity and discovered nodules on her lungs that looked concerning. She saw a pulmonologist and a CT scan confirmed that her lungs needed a further look. But the pain from her stomach was getting worse so it was back to the gastroenterologist for an endoscopy. They found a large mass in my mom's stomach, a mass on her esophagus, and a nodule on her liver. A biopsy was taken. She went to a cardio thorasic surgeon for more tests. A PT scan revealed more nodules on more organs. We waited for the pathology results knowing that it was the "c" word. 

In October, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Diffuse Large B-cell non-Hodgkins lymphoma. By that point, she'd lost about 50 pounds and was getting weaker. Her team of doctors decided to take swift action.

A week after her diagnosis, my mom was admitted to the hospital. A chemo port was implanted in her chest. She received her first round of chemo (which she reacted to well!) followed by her first round of immunotherapy (which she did not react well to). 

When she returned home from the hospital, life returned to normal-ish for my mom. She was on tons of medications and was more tired than normal. She had her second round of chemo and developed mouth sores and a scratchy throat. The immunotherapy gave her severe nausea. She was even more tired than she was before. She has 5 more rounds of chemo and immunotherapy spaced 3 weeks apart before her team of doctors put her body through a long list of tests to determine what happens next.

I can't begin to describe the inner turmoil I have under my sunny smile in work meetings or the ache in my gut as my voice cracks while I'm cheerfully cooing at Claire. I'm so incredibly angry. Who am I even angry with? I wish I knew. My inner anguish has started to spill over to my physical body - I threw my back out for the first time ever, every week or so I'll have an episode of uncontrolled vomiting that comes seemingly out of nowhere, and a racing heart is just something I've come to live with. In an effort to fix what I can, I've pumped up my exercise routine and gotten back to a regular meditation practice. 

The unknown rocky road that lies ahead is terrifying and with COVID adding another layer of difficulty to the mix, I'm especially scared. My goal right now is to make all of my mom's time precious - lots of video chats with the baby and visits whenever we are able (socially distant and masked).

It's going to be a long winter.