Keeping Spirits Bright

Every single holiday was turned on its head this year. The pandemic was still in full force - working from home, lots of restrictions, mask wearing, social distancing...time begins to lose its meaning as days all look the same. So this year, with all the turmoil going on in the world, it was especially important to keep the spirits bright. 

I've never been a huge Halloween person. In the past I would watch a few scary movies and call it a day. But with a little baby in the house, it was basically mandatory we participate this year. We dressed Claire up like a pineapple and decided to make the holiday as fun for her as we could. She had a Zoom Halloween party in her daycare room and we took her to a drive-thru spooktacular. While I doubt she knew what was going on, she looked adorable and her smiley face was enough to brighten the spirits. 

Typically, Alex and I alternate spending Thanksgiving with his family or my mom's best friend's family out east on Long Island. Obviously that didn't happen this year for many reasons. My mom's best friend Suzanne passed away this past May suddenly (I'm still processing the grief of this loss as we've not been able to gather together to properly mourn. Plus the pandemic prevents us from being inside for any period of time without a mask on. So that meant Thanksgiving would be just me, Alex, and Claire. I used to take part in cooking the entire meal and in recent years I have baked pies for dessert. This year, I did zero cooking or baking for the first time in my life. Instead we spent Thanksgiving watching a ton of TV - the parade followed by the dog show, ate a delicious meal catered by Beach Point, and took a nice long walk around the Upper East Side. Claire tried turkey for the first time and was unimpressed but all around the day was relaxing and I was especially grateful to have my family together and healthy.

This Hanukkah was by far the most exciting one of our lives this year - our first with Claire! We lit the candles, said the prayers, and watched the menorah. We have 2 menorah's - one that's particularly meaningful to me because it was my father's and another gifted to us by the rabbi who officiated our wedding (she's also Alex's cousin!). We alternated lighting each of them this year and it was a very lovely way to honor traditions past and future. I enjoyed showering Claire with presents - winter gear, board books, toys, clothes. She was mesmerized by the candles and truly watched them until they burned out completely each night. We even managed to light the candles for 6 out of the 8 nights which, with an infant in the house, I take as a huge win. It was an overall joy.

We're not Christian but we definitely have a tradition around Christmas! Christmas Eve is usually spent at my mom's house with a delicious seafood dinner followed by a gift exchange. With COVID still in full swing, and since my mom has cancer, and with an infant, we were very hesitant to spend a significant amount of time indoors with the whole family. Instead, my brother played the role of Santa dropping off gifts at our home and picking up gifts to bring back to Long Island.  

In recent past, Alex and I have rung in the New Year while on vacation but this year, we obviously were not traveling. Instead, we drank some champagne cocktails, watched Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve, and hung out in the living room with our baby asleep in her bedroom. We made it to 10:30PM which was an A+ in my book!

As we begin 2021, I am not setting any New Years Resolutions. I've been big on them in the past, setting ambitious goals or fun projects to work on. But this year, I just aim to be flexible. And to bend and sway with the changing winds that keep getting blown our way. 

The C Word

My mom was having trouble eating all summer but she blamed it on acid reflux. When that didn't go away in the fall she saw her primary care doctor who did some blood work and referred her to a specialist. She has stomach ulcers and was convinced that was the problem. She saw a gastroenterologist. They took an ultrasound and an x-ray of her chest cavity and discovered nodules on her lungs that looked concerning. She saw a pulmonologist and a CT scan confirmed that her lungs needed a further look. But the pain from her stomach was getting worse so it was back to the gastroenterologist for an endoscopy. They found a large mass in my mom's stomach, a mass on her esophagus, and a nodule on her liver. A biopsy was taken. She went to a cardio thorasic surgeon for more tests. A PT scan revealed more nodules on more organs. We waited for the pathology results knowing that it was the "c" word. 

In October, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Diffuse Large B-cell non-Hodgkins lymphoma. By that point, she'd lost about 50 pounds and was getting weaker. Her team of doctors decided to take swift action.

A week after her diagnosis, my mom was admitted to the hospital. A chemo port was implanted in her chest. She received her first round of chemo (which she reacted to well!) followed by her first round of immunotherapy (which she did not react well to). 

When she returned home from the hospital, life returned to normal-ish for my mom. She was on tons of medications and was more tired than normal. She had her second round of chemo and developed mouth sores and a scratchy throat. The immunotherapy gave her severe nausea. She was even more tired than she was before. She has 5 more rounds of chemo and immunotherapy spaced 3 weeks apart before her team of doctors put her body through a long list of tests to determine what happens next.

I can't begin to describe the inner turmoil I have under my sunny smile in work meetings or the ache in my gut as my voice cracks while I'm cheerfully cooing at Claire. I'm so incredibly angry. Who am I even angry with? I wish I knew. My inner anguish has started to spill over to my physical body - I threw my back out for the first time ever, every week or so I'll have an episode of uncontrolled vomiting that comes seemingly out of nowhere, and a racing heart is just something I've come to live with. In an effort to fix what I can, I've pumped up my exercise routine and gotten back to a regular meditation practice. 

The unknown rocky road that lies ahead is terrifying and with COVID adding another layer of difficulty to the mix, I'm especially scared. My goal right now is to make all of my mom's time precious - lots of video chats with the baby and visits whenever we are able (socially distant and masked).

It's going to be a long winter.

Work Work Work Work Work

This fall has been full of work for me and Alex.

Going back to work after maternity leave was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The fact that I am working from home for the foreseeable future was extremely helpful in the transition. Before the pandemic swept the world, I had been gearing up for a nice promotion working on a capital campaign. With the economy up in the air and NYC in a tailspin, my future at the Museum will remain status quo until further notice. I'm still gunning for more responsibility but I'm uncertain about how I can continue to grow. Luckily, I still have my job, for which I am very grateful. I've got time on my side to think about my next steps and what the future holds.

During the pandemic, Alex was fortunate enough to have been promoted to counsel at his firm. His dreams of becoming partner are still alive. But for now, he's happy to have more responsibility, a nice new title, and a salary bump. His hours are long (as they always have been) but he's more senior than he was before and it shows in the way he's treated and the hours he keeps.

In addition to actual work, it's been work being landlords to our tenants living in our Upper West Side apartment. When the real estate market tanked in NYC, Alex pulled his apartment off the market and listed it as a rental. Lucky for us, we had some takers! Even luckier, their rent covers some of the principal of the mortgage. Although it's very fortunate to have renters when the state of rentals in this city is grim, it's also a lot of work making sure the apartment is in tip top shape.

During my maternity leave, I stepped up to the role of President of Spark Movement Collective. I had served as Vice President for a little over 2 years and it was now my time to take the reins. It's rewarding, exciting, and really fulfilling. It's also a lot of extra work on my plate. While I know my time as President is fleeting (I'll likely serve 2 or 3 one-year terms before I pass the baton), I'm thrilled to be entrusted with the responsibility.

Being a parent to an infant is also a ton of work! The life of an infant changes so quickly. Claire started babbling in her third month and trying desperately to talk. She sleeps through the night (11-12 hours!!) and the transition from her bassinet to her crib was completely uneventful (surprisingly!). Claire loves to roll over from her belly to her back and from her back to her belly. She's constantly smiling and puts everything in her mouth. It's awe inspiring to watch her grow and learn.