My So-Called Life

As a kid who grew up in the 90's and wanted to be Angela Chase (despite all of her insecurities and teen angst... I mean she got to date Jordan Catalano!!), I often remember My So-Called Life as a perfect recap of all that happened in Angela's far from boring high school existence.

I realize that I've used my blog as a platform to talk about vacations and major life changes but I've neglected to write about my actual day-to-day life. It's easy to float through months without taking a beat to think about what it is I'm doing to fill up my time. Turns out, as per usual, I'm doing a lot!

These days, I'm very happy working for the Jewish Museum. My work environment is relaxed with normal work hours and a calm feel around the office. My coworkers are competent and lovely. My boss is seriously awesome. It's a great place to hang my hat during the day. I've also got great benefits and a beautiful office (shared with our rotating cast of interns but still, there's an actual door!) with a nice window overlooking 92nd Street.

Aside from work, I volunteer as a Board member and Chair the Executive Committee for Spark Movement Collective. I joined the company's Board in May 2015. Spark's shows geared toward children are my favorite - there's nothing quite like watching the faces of kids light up as they enjoy a live performance. It's great leadership experience and it rewarding to do something good for the arts.

In my spare time, I have continued to keep up my French horn playing. I'm a core player with the Centre Symphony Orchestra and the Nassau Pops. I sometimes fill in for the Mannes Community Orchestra and take on other gigs when I can. I think this is one aspect of my life I will always cherish. Making music feeds my soul.

I still manage to find plenty of time to hang out with my friends. I'm part of 2 book clubs: one I founded with a grad school friend back in 2013 the other is comprised largely of my former Juilliard co-workers. I've always been an avid reader so this is a great way to combine two of my favorite activities: reading great books and hanging out with great friends. My former coworkers from Lincoln Center and I are still very much in touch as well. We plan monthly outings to museums, dance classes, or just plain old drinks. I find that having set monthly dates on my calendar holds me more accountable to actually seeing my friends. Plus it gives us all something to look forward to.

In addition to all that I've got going on in my normal life, I've been working to plan a wedding! I couldn't be more excited to call Alex my family one day soon. I'm really looking forward to the start of our marriage. The wedding itself will be the big party to start it all off! It's a lot of work putting it all together. Alex helps out but his suggestions are sometimes questionable...like serving a bunch of pound cakes instead of a wedding cake (no) or saying the phrase "you're my ride or die" at the same time instead of reciting vows (definitely not). Parts of wedding planning have been tons of fun (cake tasting, picking out flowers) and other parts have been stressful (organizing lists, figuring out logistics). We're lucky that our families have largely stayed out of the planning and are supportive of any and all of our decisions regarding the wedding. It's also a challenge since the planning rests solely on our my shoulders. October 21 feels so far in the future but I know it will be here before I know it.

On an emotional note, depression has been creeping in and out of my life since my dad passed away. My mom works 2 jobs and my brother is still trying to find his footing as an adult. I don't get to see my family often which is hard. It's also hard to unload the entirety of my emotional burden on Alex or a friend. It feels kinda like every so often I've shoved a watermelon into a backpack that I carry around with me. I push it to the bottom of the bag and pile other things on top of it, trying to forget all about it. But what happens to a watermelon in your backpack that you're trying to ignore? It doesn't disappear. It weighs heavy on you, it starts to rot, and it seeps into all the other things your life [or backpack]. Eventually, it needs to be addressed. So that's just what I've been doing. And I realize that depression doesn't just go away after a chat with a loved one/a vacation/a great run in the park and then poof I'm cured. I'm great at serving up a smile with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of optimism. It's worked to get rid of the blues for most of my adult life. But my go-to fake-it-until-you-make-it trick just doesn't work when I'm depressed. For that, a therapist is a big help.

And maybe it would also help to meet Jordan Catalano Jared Leto. That would definitely help.

Stowe Away

Alex and I have started a Valentine's Day tradition of going on a ski trip instead of planning a romantic evening. With our wedding in October and a big trip coming up in March, I was nervous that we wouldn't get any time on the slopes this year. After a bit of spontaneous planning (aka when 2 type-A personalities are in one relationship), we booked a last-minute ski trip to Stowe over President's Day weekend.

In Vermont, we unplugged. We only opened the laptop we brought with us once. We ate at A Single Pebble and Michael's on the Hill. We skiied the mountains at the resort all weekend with blue skies and spring-like weather. I took ski clinics to get more comfortable on the terrain. I even started learning how to conquer moguls! I can confidently ski down greens and blues and I could tackle the blacks but I'm a cautious gal. It just felt really wonderful to get away for a bit.

Being in Vermont always makes me think of my dad. He went to camp and college in Vermont. He always spoke of Vermont with such nostalgia and enthusiasm. It makes me feel connected to him when we visit the mountains.

Grief is never gone. It's a sad accessory that I'll be carrying around for the rest of my life. But it's not overwhelming like it was at first. I'm no longer carting around an over-sized rolling duffel of emotional sorrow. Now it's more like a crossbody clutch. Yes, it's there and of course I notice it, but it's not weighing me down. I can sling it on my shoulder, put on my brave face, and keep moving forward. I feel so much stronger emotionally than I used to. At first, it was easy for me to hide within myself. But instead of stowing myself away in my room, I choose to Stowe away to Vermont for a ski trip.

It's easy to be sad and angry and give in to negativity. It's so much harder to be positive and happy. But I choose happiness every time.

Straightening Out

I had worn braces for about a year as a sophomore in high school followed by some really attractive wire spring retainers that I wore religiously at night. At some point in college, my retainers stopped fitting. My teeth had been shifting. Probably due to the impacted wisdom teeth that had partially grown in and were removed at various points of my adolescence. But orthodontics just wasn't on my radar as a young adult so my teeth kept shifting. Until I decided to do something about it. I didn't look like Austin Powers or anything....

...but I wanted a mouth of straight teeth. Not just for cosmetic reasons, but also because I learned that having straight teeth helps to prevent gum disease and heart disease. And with my family history, I can use all the help I can get. Plus, as a lifetime twice-a-day flosser, the thought of having perfect pearly whites made me embarrassingly excited.

After a bunch of consultations, I found a great orthodontist and decided on Invisalign treatment. I was briefed on the process and given a rough timeline: 12-18 months. I'd go through a first round of treatment to fix all the big stuff and then would likely need a few more rounds, called refinement, to fix what was left. The list of stuff to fix: my top teeth had a few crooked guys and a snaggle tooth; my bottom teeth were super crowded and a bit crooked with many teeth facing the wrong way; and, my bite was out of alignment. Digital impressions of my teeth were taken along with pictures of my bite and jaw line. I waited 2 weeks for my results and my Invisalign journey began...

ROUND 1:
The first 6 months were not so invisible. The Invisalign trays themselves look like clear plastic tooth shaped molds. They fit flush to your teeth. But I needed attachments. Attachments are little tooth-colored pieces of enamel in funky shapes glued to your teeth. They help the Invisalign trays grip better but they're fairly noticeable. I had 17 attachments put onto my teeth, 9 on the top and 8 on the bottom (for the first 4 months I only had 6 on the bottom and then the orthodontist added 2 more). My treatment included 17 sets of trays to be changed every 10 days. Some were super painful. Some gave me a horrible speech impediment. Each month, I'd go in to see the orthodontist. Sometimes, she'd have to file between my teeth with a small black strip that looked and felt like sandpaper. Most times, she'd just send me on my way with a few sets of trays after examining my teeth. Needless to say, I was very happy when the 6 months were over and the first round of treatment was complete. The attachments were all filed off and, although the last set of trays fit perfectly, I wasn't finished. Just as predicted, I needed refinement, aka more rounds of treatment.

We talked through the things left to be corrected - The top looked great except for that one stubborn snaggle tooth that hadn't turned completely into it's proper position. My bottom teeth still had a bunch of stuff left to correct. They were a bit crowded and crooked but definitely not as crooked as before and now there were two fairly large gaps between my molars that needed to be closed. Also, my bite was slightly improved but was still out of alignment. So, we started from the beginning again and took another set of digital impressions and photos. As I waited for round 2 to begin, I wore my last set of trays from the first round of treatment at night to ensure my teeth didn't dramatically shift.

ROUND 2:
My second round of treatment included 16 trays to be changed weekly. Another 4 months of Invisalign, but this time with only 4 attachments put onto my teeth (2 on top and 2 on bottom) and I only had to come in every other month to get evaluated by the orthodontist. The second time around, the trays were barely noticeable and I only experienced minor discomfort for the most part...the last 2 weeks hurt like hell!!

With my sore mouth, I went in for the evaluation and the 4 attachments were removed (ouch!). My bite was finally aligned properly (WHEW!). The stubborn snaggle tooth had turned as planned (YAY!). A mold was made for a top retainer. SO EXCITING!! BUT (of course there's a but), there were still a few things left to correct on the bottom. Only 1 of the 2 gaps between my molars had closed. The other was still very much there waiting for food particles to get stuck in it (GROSS!). Plus, my bottom front teeth were much improved but there was still some crowding and a few crooked teeth. Another round of digital impressions was taken for the bottom, more photos were snapped. Again, I had to wear my final set of trays from round 2 of treatment every night to prevent movement.

3 weeks later, I was back in the orthodontist's chair. My retainer fit perfectly and we checked my top teeth off as done...THAT FELT AMAZING. I was to wear the retainer every night, no exception. The remainder of my Invisalign journey would be for my bottom teeth only.

ROUND 3:
On to the bottom...I received 9 trays to be changed weekly with only one lone attachment in the back. The orthodontist filed between a few of my teeth to make room for turning and I was told to come back when I finished this course of treatment. The next 2 months and 1 week were virtually painless and truly invisible.

Soon enough, it was evaluation time again. That sad, lonely attachment was removed and we talked through what was going on. The crowding was almost totally corrected. My front teeth were almost straight minus a few stubborn crooked guys. And that the gap between my molars had almost closed. SO CLOSE!!!! By now I knew the drill (pun intended!). More digital impressions, more pictures, a few more weeks wearing that last aligner from round 3 on the bottom with my top retainer at night.

ROUND 4:
I was back in for more. This time felt a bit like deja vu: another 9 trays to be changed weekly. I had 2 attachments, one on each canine which made me feel a bit like Dracula. Again, some filing between a few of my teeth to make a little extra room. Again, I was told to return at the end of this round of treatment. Another 2 months and 1 week that I can thankfully say were hardly noticeable and painless (except for the final week - hello sore mouth!).

Evaluation time. The 2 attachments were filed away and we went over the short list of minor remaining issues. There was one ever so slightly protruding tooth in the front and that gap between my molars needed just a tiny bit of extra movement to close completely. The orthodontist filed between my front teeth and adjusted my last aligner from round 4 with a set of dental pliers. She instructed me to wear the tray full-time for a few more days with the hope that it would correct these minor issues.

Evaluation time take two. Later that week I was back. The gap between my molars had just about closed but not quite all the way. And that protruding front tooth was much improved but not 100% corrected. Out came those dental pliers again to adjust my final tray. Again, I was to wear the tray full-time for a few more days. I crossed my fingers as I headed out of her office.

Evaluation time take three. 4 days later I was back again. The gap between my molars had finally closed (YAY!)and that protruding tooth was in it's proper place (DOUBLE YAY!). A mold of my bottom teeth was made for a retainer and I was sent home with those familiar instructions to wear my last aligner with my top retainer.

The next day (so fast!!) my bottom retainer was ready. I went back in to make sure it fit. It did! And with that, my Invisalign journey was complete!

I began the process in September 2015 and moved onto my retainers in January 2017. My orthodontist was spot on with the projected timeline. Sometimes it felt like a long slog and other times I forgot I was even wearing the trays. Parts of it were super annoying. Like having to figure out how to tactfully remove the aligners when out on the town. And always having to carry a dental dopp kit around. And feeling self-conscious about my smile. But I think not being able to snack or drink coffee on the regular were the hardest for me. For the most part, it really wasn't so bad and I'm glad I did it. It was definitely better-looking than regular braces and I'm super happy with the results. To top it off, my orthodontist and her staff were lovely to me during every visit and I was given a complimentary whitening treatment a month after my final visit.

I still wear my retainers every night, something I'll continue to do for the rest of my life. They're clear and since putting them in is worked into my nighttime routine, I hardly even notice I'm wearing them. And I'll visit the orthodontist every other month this year to ensure all is going according to plan. Luckily, aside from these initial maintenance visits, there's not much else I need to do. It's a small price to pay for a perfect smile.